by David M. Weinberg
This
week, our august President, Shimon Peres, suddenly and unexpectedly
began to talk again about “the New Middle East” and the “peace accord
with the Palestinians that is within easy reach.”
Ah yes, the New Middle
East, that nirvana-like world dreamed up by imaginative minds. That
easily achievable peace with Abbas and Haniyeh. Dreamy indeed.
The president, God bless him, must be back on the Peres pill.
The Peres pill is a
powerful drug invented by this country’s elder statesman. But be sure to
read the fine print on the label before taking this prescription-only
medication:
Therapeutic activity:
For the relief of dilemmas in the peace process and uncertainties in
relating to the Arab Middle East. Induces hallucinations and wishful
thinking, allowing the patient to ignore the hostile intentions of and
shrug off the threatening declarations of neighboring Arabs. Allows the
user to believe that peace is breaking out all over. Most effective on a
fatigued, depressed populace, and/or a public that has become extremely
affluent and comfortable, and no longer has the stamina for continued
struggle.
Composition: Each
capsule contains 10 milligrams of valium (a relaxant that clears the
mind of outdated nationalistic fervor); 20 mg of amphetamine (stimulates
feverish mental activity); 200 mg of LSD (aids in hallucination); and
700 mg of essence of sophisticated French wine (helps the mind ignore
sobering Middle Eastern realities).
How will this medicine
affect your daily life? Use of this medicine may impair alertness to
dangers and caution should be exercised when engaging in activities such
as driving a car, operating heavy machinery or taking the helm of
state. Patient is likely to develop delusional tendencies, and to say
things like “science is more important than territory,” or “a row of
five-star hotels on the Golan is a better guarantee of peace than a line
of early warning stations,” or “we will turn terrorists into tourists
and tomahawks into Toyotas,” and the like.
Takers of this drug are
prone to taking wild leaps of faith and to projecting all their good
intentions onto the adversary — a malediction known as transference. As
such, they are liable to cavalierly and hastily forgo hard national
security assets without appropriate returns or safeguards.
This drug also has been
known to activate frantic philanthropic activity aimed at planting
high-tech wheat fields on the border with the Gaza Strip, the
establishment of joint biotechnology farms with Egypt, the building of
industrial parks for Mahmoud Abbas, and the twinning of towns such as
Bir Zeit and Bnei Brak. The drug-induced assumption here is that
economic advancement will cause its Arab beneficiaries to moderate or
abandon their hostile and decade-old goals of overpowering the Zionist
enemy.
Patients on the Peres
pill tend to develop a fancy for all things and leaders European, and
enjoy cavorting around the continent garnering support from kings,
princesses, Marxist novelists and intellectuals, movie stars and
socialist leaders who have lots of money to throw at the Palestinians.
Users are partial to Norway, especially Oslo.
Warnings: Do not take
this medicine if your country has a waist less than 50 kilometers (31
miles) wide. You may end up in the sea. Inform your doctor and consult
first with your psychiatrist if you are sensitive to historic, national
and religious rights, to the justness of history, or to the logic of
deterrence doctrine. Patients often develop aloofness to the common
Israeli man-in-the-street, who simply doesn’t understand the sublime and
cultured approach to peace engendered by the drug. Do not take before
meals or three weeks before Israeli election day.
Side effects: In
addition to the desired effect of the medicine, adverse reactions may
occur during the course of taking this medicine, such as rapid weight
and land loss; loss of fluids and water resources; and withdrawal
tendencies. Deafness — especially to Palestinian anti-Semitism, hostile
unilateralism, accusations of war crimes and ethnic cleansing, and
threats of violence — may develop. Consult your doctor and reconsider
your political affiliation immediately if you experience blindness to
Palestinian treaty violations, Iranian nuclear programs, deteriorating
security situations on the Syrian and Egyptian fronts, and the like; or
if you find yourself always excusing the other side’s gross failures and
breezily overlooking its dictatorial character.
Antidote: In case of an
overdose, take a Netanyahu pill or equivalent for four more years.
Proceed immediately to a hospital emergency room or an emergency bomb
shelter.
Recommended dosage and directions
for use: This is experimental medicine. Effects of the drug for the
long term have not been proven. Take at your own risk. Not recommended
for children, the faint-hearted or those involved in diplomatic
negotiations. Adults: One capsule only if necessary, chewed slowly and
cautiously. Keep your guard up and army in a ready state when under the
influence of this psychotropic drug. Do not swallow whole. Keep out of
the hands of sitting prime ministers and foreign ministers who need to
secure the country.
David M. Weinberg
Source:
Copyright - Original materials copyright (c) by the authors.
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